Bruno, first let me commend you on your fearlessness in facing someone you loved so deeply, and offering yourself, no matter the outcome.

That alone holds immense stock. And thank you for sharing your personal story. I’m so sorry you are going through this and can imagine how painful it must be.

Honestly, your ex sounds like me.

I too, fell for someone who didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I put him on a pedestal after he ghosted me and unfairly compared everyone to him since then.

Even when in serious relationships, he’d always be in the back of my mind, hanging out, maybe waiting to rekindle the flame we once had, albeit briefly.

As avoidants, we were let down by our caregivers early in life. We tend to replay this early trauma on repeat in our romantic relationships: being too independent for those who want to nurture us, while pining after those who leave us.

As in your case, my avoidance led to my last serious breakup.

I decided the wonderful man who went out of his way to display his love for me wasn’t enough. I felt there was so much more to life I had to chase after and that being stifled in a relationship was preventing me from achieving my wildest dreams.

So, I left him, but I tried to keep him close as a friend.

And this is where I would advise you to take heed, Bruno.

Remaining friends with your ex is dangerous.

I tried to maintain conversation with him, keep him close. I didn’t realize at the time I was stringing him along, breadcrumbing him.

But, he has a normal attachment style. I left. And he accepted it was over. He moved on. Immediately. Like, the day after I left.

He moved on and it crushed me. For over 3 years, I’d let his love build me up; it told me I was important. I told myself, I was special, he needed me. ( How egotistical, right?)

When the evidence proved otherwise, my heart broke. I knew, he was gone forever.

I was devastated. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I just lay in bed watching TikTok videos.

By some stroke of luck (or an intelligent app algorithm), I came across a video on attachment theory.

Everything it said about an anxious attachment style sounded just like me.

So I started reading. I read about Attachment Theory and The Strange Situation.

I identified with all aspects of what avoidants do in romantic relationships: idealizing past loves, seeing myself as independent above all else, avoiding future commitments and plans, developing crushes on totally unavailable people while in “committed” relationships.

Yep… I was the shitbag.

I looked back upon my actions and felt ashamed. He wasn’t the problem, it was me all along. I started to hate myself. I considered suicide, cried constantly and became a shell of who I was. I lost someone deserving of all of my love (and more) because of my fear of commitment.

The worst part? I’d hurt him in the process.

And this alone is what made me vow to change. I never want to hurt anyone I love that way again.

So I started reading about how I can “fix myself”. Sadly there are few resources for avoidants to “get better”.

Basically you can:

1. Identify your attachment style

2. Understand where it comes from

3. Look subjectively at your past

4. Notice when you are reacting based on your attachment fears

5. Go to therapy

I’ve accomplished 1-3, but Bruno, I wish I could tell you I’m a better person now. I wish I could say I’m securely attached and unafraid of commitment, but that’s far from the truth.

The truth is, I’m afraid of serious relationships now.

I don’t want to hurt another person based on my issues and I’m afraid of getting hurt again, too.

Right now, I’m in a phase of casual dating and hookups. (And this is why I say ‘I’m reallllllly bad at romantic relationships’)

These “relations” get my physical needs met but not a single one of my emotional needs. So am I really getting better and resolving my attachment issues?

Not bloody likely.

The only advice I can really give you is to choose a worthy partner.

Cut off contact with your ex and find someone who can be honest with themself and with you. Choose someone who is self-aware enough to identify when they are acting based on past trauma.

Be open with how you are really feeling and move through live together, as partners; not as two people separately battling past demons.

More importantly, you and your partner need to love yourselves. Folks with avoidant and anxious attachment styles have a big commonality: the attachment habits arise out of a place of deep insecurity.

Our needs were unmet as children and that cemented in our minds that we are unloveable and unworthy. That’s the greatest fear instilled in both of us.

Bruno, know that you have value and deserve someone worthy.

Sometimes walking away from someone you love (by going no contact) is exactly what you need to do.

For yourself and your avoidant ex, so that they can have the time and space to recognize their own faults and try to grow from them (not out of them).