You’re absolutely right, if you have an avoidant partner they have to want to change. And not all will have the awareness they:
1. Have an avoidant attachment style
2. Have difficulty forming intimate relationships, as a human — an inherently social species.
Like you, I can only speak to my own anecdotes. As an avoidant, I’ve demolished wonderful relationships without even knowing why I was doing it and didn’t think I needed to grow or change. No one was able to love-me-out-of-it, either. I did however, experience heart-break when my exes moved on or left me, and realizing I had lost good partners that I truly loved brought the realization that I’m the problem. From that, I do want to change.
I understand your feelings of frustration and don’t fault you if you’ve left an avoidant partner. Sadly, you can’t force someone else to develop a secure attachment style. Just know that if your ex realizes they’ve lost you forever, it may be the rock bottom they need in order to evolve
