Steph Jouppien black and white
Steph Jouppien black and white

To the ex who moved on so quickly — thanks.

Hey, it’s me

The girl who broke your heart and made you feel unworthy and unloved. The one who hid feelings and withheld affection when all you wanted to do was love me.

You see, before I left, I thought you were standing in the way of my dreams. I figured there was more to life I was missing. We talked about it. You tried to love me out of it. But I turned away and left.

But did I really leave?

Why were you still responding to my calls and texts? You know, the little jokes that were ours and ours alone. Sustained intimacy, we’ll call it.

You did this for a few weeks before realizing I’d keep this up if you let me. In truth, I’d have kept you close as a friend forever, never really letting you move on. But you did move on. Swiftly.

The calls, the messages, the emails, they stopped. You moved on and here I was blocking you on Facebook to avoid your happy grin beside someone new. You looked so happy, so healthy…

When I threw away your love, you picked it up, dusted it off and went on your way, so easily. I faltered.

My sense of self dissipated. The love you’d given had falsely built me up, gave me importance, fed my fire. The love I’d taken for granted went away with you. I’d been lying to myself. Without you, do I even exist?

I’m sorry for the inane standards. For blaming you and putting everything else before you. You weren’t the problem. It was me all along.

I hurt you misunderstanding myself. And you’ve moved on forever.

I wish I could tell you I was better now. That finally, I’ve grown up and am worthy. Truthfully, I’m terrified of loving ever again.

But you
did the right thing. You moved on. You found someone worthy.

It still hurts.

But the loss makes me want to be “better” so one day I’m allowed a love like yours.

Thank you for moving on.

Horrible at relationships, so I write about them on the internet. Come on baby, make it hurt so good.

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