Why People Get Scared Away When You Come On Too Strong

When you start to crush on someone, it can be nearly impossible to focus on anything else. Romantic thoughts get in the way and you’d love to discover more about them, talk every day and do nice things to make them smile.

So it makes sense that in order to move things forward, you want to show your interest. When you go for it, instead of reciprocating your feelings, your crush suddenly grows distant, cold and maybe even ghosts. Looking back on your words and actions, you wonder if you’ve come off too strong.

What It Means When You Come On Too Strong

Coming on too strong is being perceived as too much, too interested, too intense or too aggressive. Also described as being too forward, eager, insistent on attention or trying too hard to be attentive, it is seen as being overly assertive, bold or having too much determination (like not taking ‘no’ for an answer). To potential love interests, it can be a major turn off and make someone step back to reconsider dating you.

Pursuing someone you find interesting and attractive can make ‘playing it cool’ hard. To move forward, you need to express or acknowledge your interest. But there’s a fine line to be walked. For some people, expressing interest too early can be uncomfortable, depending on their personal preference and how they perceive your interaction.

If you’ve come on too strong, research on Self-Verification Theory shows we don’t always know we’re perceived the way we think we are.

Self-Verification Theory

Self-verification theory relies on hard-held beliefs we hold about ourselves, for instance, believing you are likable. Whether our beliefs about ourselves are positive or negative, we expect others to agree with these preconceived notions and confirm our biases, i.e. through liking us. When our own beliefs and that of others (our audience) don’t align, we are faced with real-life proof that our self-view is false. This can cause a direct impact on our self-esteem.

This would explain why we feel deflated and hurt when a flirty text goes unanswered. You may believe you are the world’s greatest flirt, yet be perceived by your audience as overly focused on sex.